Question Of Utmost Important Impertinence To White People
Jha: am trying to think if Asian empires would have tried to conquer Europe if we had the infrastructure for it.
Jha: i mean, even China didnt bother, they just demanded tribute. and seeded local communities.
Me: Don’t doubt our potential to colonise. Not one bit. Just that we didn’t have enough resources.
Jha: potential is one thing, but there’s not a a hell lot in Europe to colonize, is there? when we have each other to fight already.
Me: there could be. HA yes.
Jha: I mean we are awesome. We got so much. Of course we’re gonna fight over each other’s toys.
Me: and TV time.
Jha: what’s the little corner of North West Asia got to offer us that we’d fight over it?
Jha: China got snow. Japan got snow. nobody gives a shit about Hokkaido except to say HEY WE GOT IT
Me: true. Okay, so what does Europe have besides snow? JHA THIS IS BUMMING ME OUT! I CAN’T THINK OF A THING
Jha: they have coal? maybe iron?
Me: we have that. and bauxite also.
Jha: … yeah I am stumped too
Jha: i mean if we really wanted those things from Europe. i guess we could colonize them economically make them dependent on our trade
Jha: like today’s neocolonism
me: But what would they have to offer to us
Jha: Well, china liked to demand silver
Me: you see Jha, why they needed to colonise us. THEY KNEW THEY HAD NOTHING MUCH EXCEPT SNOW.
Jha: (silver) which the british had to buy from the rest of europe. pretty much. espcially england. tiny rainy island with an inferiority complex.
Me: yes I know. With an ugly as fuck monarch, with hairline issues.
Jha: MANY ugly monarchs, the only pretty ones were women.
Jha: except queen victoria. after Alfred died she was a cow.
Me: I KNOW. UGH. A pug actually.
Jha: yes pugs are more british
Me: there’s a reason why they are
Jha: ok British bulldogs. WHY
Me: they resembled their queen.
Jha: bwaha. she wasn’t THAT wrinkly
Me: Eh. Give or take a few years.
Jha: also completely different from what we were just talking about. i apparently have no idea how bananas work. this banana is like green at the tips. and i dunno if it’s ripe or not
Me: ugh why
Jha: i mean it ought to be
Me: I don’t know either!
Jha: fucking bananas. why am i supposed to eat you just to poop once a day. at least ya’ll were cheap
Me: escapes me too
Jha: and it’s not sweet. SEE. NOTHING TO COLONIZE IN THE WEST. THEY EVEN GET OUR FRUITS WRONG
Me: I KNOW. JUST SNOW AND BULLDOGS
Jha: TERRIERS ARE CUTE BUT NOT ENOUGH TO GO TO WAR OVER
Me: OOH BUT WHAT ABOUT POLAR BEARS?
Jaymee: NOT ENOUGH TO GO TO WAR OVER
Me: (wait that’s not the West)
Jha: we’d just hunt the shit out of them
Me: Or make them sing the Ramayan. and make them Vegetarians
NOT ENOUGH TO GO TO WAR OVER
Jha: vegetarian polar bears singing the Ramayan would be cool but DEFINITELY NOT ENOUGH TO GO TO WAR OVER. we already got our own tap dancing cows mooing the Geeta
Me: exactly. too much ramayan bores the brain. NOT ENOUGH TO GO TO WAR OVER
Me: Maybe our brown/yellow brains are too biased. want to ask people out there?
Jaymee: we should ask white people what’s there in their countries to colonize
So people, have any answers to us.
Nobody wanted Western Europe. Most of the action, as it was, was everywhere else. Western Europe was a barbarian hinterland with not enough sun, not that many resources — fucking climate could only give you, what, two harvests, tops? And monarchs who liked to fuck each other’s siblings.
Which kind of explains why imperialist cultures tended to come from barren-ass places with not enough resources. The Hijaz up until the 7th century was a barren-ass place too, until the people there figured out a way to organise into a conquering force that basically spilled out and made an empire for themselves. The steppes had horses… and not much else, and hey, look at that, Mongols!
But America doesn’t fit this pattern, but I think it’s because after the Industrial Revolution, most of the rules that governed what a nation would become based on what resources they had were overturned, since those rules were all about how the fuck are we gonna feed all these people. Once you solved that problem you just sat down and started working on the important stuff. Like porn and poop jokes, or variants thereof.
Shush Tariq, let the nice white people answer the question!